


out of reach

by radiodread



Series: AkiHaru: out of reach [2]
Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Outsider's Perspective, Pining, Smut, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:28:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29596926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiodread/pseuds/radiodread
Summary: Haruki deals with the aftermath of his night with Akihiko and his feelings that become more and more difficult to ignore. As much as he wants to forget about it, he can't. Whilst battling his own feelings, Haruki finds himself roped into something he could’ve never imagined would be a way for him to get to know Akihiko better.--Serves as a direct sequel tochapter 2 of "Heads Or Tails", a work co-written withDaxii.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Nakayama Haruki & Satou Mafuyu, Nakayama Haruki & Yatake Kouji
Series: AkiHaru: out of reach [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174418
Comments: 22
Kudos: 40





	1. an unwelcome surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Highly recommended to read [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29392206/chapters/72206682) before you proceed. Otherwise, enjoy! Comments, kudos, and feedback are greatly appreciated. I love hearing people's thoughts and also discussing things.

It feels like last night may very well have just been a dream that Haruki would normally never allow himself to dream, but he knows damn well when he wakes up next to Akihiko that this wasn’t a dream. It very much happened, and as he answers his own question, Haruki is filled with a sense of panic. A panic that makes him want to flee. Something within him wonders how Akihiko would react if he were to wake up to an empty apartment. _Haruki’s_ apartment, no less.

Why should he care this much? Akihiko probably doesn’t, so Haruki shouldn’t have to, either. It was just a one time thing, despite the fact that Akihiko said he wouldn’t mind if it happened again. Akihiko won’t remember, and even if he does, there’s no telling he’ll actually _want_ it to happen again. Might’ve just been something he said in the spur of the moment. Not once before has Haruki ever gotten this sort of impression from Akihiko, and they’ve known each other for a couple of years by this point.

No, this is just his own delusion. Even though last night certainly wasn’t a dream, anything more than this _would_ be.

Haruki turns his head to the side and glances at Akihiko’s back. He listens to the light snoring next to him, and when his heart starts to ache at the sight, he carefully crawls out of bed and trudges into the bathroom instead, quietly closing the door behind him. He stands with his back against the door, taking a few deep breaths to ground himself. A cold shower might help him both wake up and snap him out of whatever state his mind is in. It’s starting to get brighter outside, so he knows it isn’t too early for him to get up and move, so he might as well.

While in the shower, Haruki’s mind wanders back to the events of last night. He remembers every single thing in sickeningly vivid detail, the way Akihiko’s hands and fingers felt against his skin, how it felt to have Akihiko inside him, how fucking incredible Akihiko is in bed. When Haruki closes his eyes, he can see images of Akihiko projected against his eyelids and he still remembers how it all felt, how _amazing_ it was. It’s almost as if it didn’t happen hours ago, more like it was just moments ago and he’s just now getting out of all of that.

Haruki’s eyes snap open and he gasps when he realises his hand is traveling south and touches a cock that’s already getting hard. Apparently, the water isn’t cold enough. He grits his teeth, right hand falling to his side while the left twists the knob further back to lower the temperature. This was all a terrible idea. Haruki is a dreamer, he’s desperate, and he knows that he needs to stop chasing an eventual heartbreak.

After a longer shower than usual and forced thoughts about anything other than last night—he thought of what to have for dinner in god knows how many hours, among other trivial things—Haruki gets out and braces himself for what may await him once he exits his bathroom. He prolongs his stay in the bathroom by also brushing his teeth, but then he’s out of options. Maybe he could pretend like it wasn’t a big deal? He doesn’t know if pretending like nothing happened will work, depending on how much Akihiko remembers. They _were_ both pretty drunk, after all.

He practically tiptoes back out into the apartment, and shudders a little as he’s still cold from his shower. Now that he’s been up for a little bit, Haruki notices that hunger is starting to make its presence known, and he wonders for a moment if he should make Akihiko breakfast, too. It _would_ be the sensible thing to do as a host, but at the same time, he just hopes that Akihiko wakes up soon and just wants to leave. As much as Haruki wants Akihiko to stay, he also doesn’t.

“Mornin’,” he hears a deep voice behind him say, and Haruki nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Jeez, you scared me.”

The sound of footsteps is heard, but Haruki doesn’t dare turn around. Instead, he heads on over to his fridge and looks at what fridge contents he can make breakfast out of. His heart beats a little faster now, and he despises that it does. Never mind being able to get rid of his erection in the shower, this is more difficult to deal with.

“Sorry about that, didn’t mean to. I’m gonna use your shower, if that’s okay?”

“Sure. Towels are in the cupboard under the sink.”

“Thanks.”

He hears the bathroom door click shut, and Haruki sighs a quiet breath of relief before he grabs two eggs, half a bell pepper, and a few button mushrooms in the fridge to make himself an omelette with. He doesn’t get very far, though, before he hears a near-bloodcurdling scream from the bathroom, and soon enough, the door opens again.

“What the _fuck_ , Haruki, the water’s freezing!”

Oh, right. He didn’t turn it back to normal, human showering temperatures. The way Akihiko’s voice went up an octave in the middle of that sentence makes Haruki want to laugh, but he bites his lower lip to keep himself from letting it out. “Sorry. Took a cold shower to wake myself up.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, you could’ve at least warned me.”

“I forgot. Sorry.”

Akihiko sighs exasperatedly, but it doesn’t sound like he’s annoyed or anything—probably still shaken up by the surprise of the low water temperature. “Well, now I’m definitely awake, too. So thanks, I suppose.”

Haruki finally lets out a little laugh as Akihiko closes the door again, with a little bit more force this time around. He continues with his breakfast, listening to the sound of the shower stream as background noise. It’s nice. It almost makes it feel like he lives with someone else, which he hasn’t done since he lived with his family. It’s been quite a while since then, and sometimes, Haruki misses having someone around even if it means just greeting them when coming back home or saying goodbye before leaving.

He frowns to himself when he realises his mind has wandered back there again. It’s difficult _not_ to when Akihiko is still in his apartment, in his _shower_. This is indeed how Haruki is going to die, the mere existence of Akihiko in his life. What if Haruki hadn’t started a conversation that day a few years ago, what if he’d just taken the pile of syllabus copies from Akihiko without asking him about the damn snare and him being a drummer? What would his life look like today if that hadn’t happened?

One thing is certain: Given wouldn’t exist. Because if Haruki hadn’t gotten acquainted with Akihiko, he wouldn’t have had enough of what he needed to try and recruit Uenoyama to a new band, which is what had been on his mind way before he even met Akihiko. With that entire element gone, he might’ve just found someone else to be the drummer… but it certainly wouldn’t have been the same. It probably wouldn’t have been as good as things are with Given.

Akihiko emerges from the bathroom, and judging by the steam seeping out through the door opening, Haruki assumes Akihiko had more than enough contact with the practically ice cold water to want the exact opposite for the duration of his shower. Haruki doesn’t take cold showers often—in fact, he can’t remember the last time he _did_ despite it being in the middle of summer right now—so he would understand Akihiko if this was the case.

Now done with the omelette, Haruki sits down by his table. The sun is up, and it looks like it’ll be another nice, probably very warm, June day. He’ll have to be at work in a couple of hours, but maybe he could get a walk in before that. It could be a good way to try and further clear his head, or at least some good exercise, if that fails, too.

“I’m gonna head out,” Akihiko announces, and Haruki turns his head at the sound.

“Okay.”

“Thanks for letting me stay the night. And, you know, thanks for last night.”

Haruki nearly drops his fork onto the plate. He clears his throat. “Yeah, uh… Thank _you_.”

He sort of regrets saying that, but he really didn’t know what else to say in response. Akihiko offers him a grin, though, so maybe it wasn’t all that bad.

Maybe it wasn’t all that bad, but Haruki still wishes that this didn’t happen as much as he also wants to hold onto this memory because he knows it’s all he’ll have.

* * *

Work and uni keep him occupied, keep Haruki’s mind from wandering into areas it shouldn’t. It’s nice to be surrounded by people and to gradually just let what happened fade into the background. Days pass and turn into a week, turn into two weeks. Haruki and Akihiko don’t talk about what happened, and it’s for the best that they don’t. Band practice continues, too, and things go back to normal for the most part. It’s actually kind of nice, and Haruki is coming to terms with the fact that what happened back then was really just that once, that they acted upon nothing but the alcohol in their blood that tends to make people do strange things. Make mistakes, say things they wouldn’t when sober.

Thankfully, Haruki didn’t say anything to Akihiko that he’d later regret, like admitting his feelings that he’s harboured for _years_ . If Akihiko remembered the fact that they had sex, he would probably remember a love confession having happened amidst all of that, too. And if Haruki _had_ confessed, there’s a possibility that it would be fatal to Given, that either Haruki or Akihiko—or maybe both—would leave because of the problems that could arise.

He thinks back to the discussion he’d had with Uenoyama and Akihiko almost six months ago now, about how the rule ‘no dating in the band’ seems to be a universal rule for bands as far as they all know. Even if they aren’t dating, there are still feelings involved from one of them, and that’s still enough to cause problems that could split up the band. Now that things are going so well for them, Haruki doesn’t dare let anything happen to jeopardise that.

“Haruki? Hello? Earth to Haruki?”

Haruki is taken out of his reverie by the sound of Kouji’s voice just in time before his cigarette burns him on his fingers. He puts it out, and he tries a smile. “Sorry, did you say something?”

A concerned look is sent his way; his smile has definitely been seen through. He should know as much considering how long he and Kouji have known each other.

“Are you okay? I know you tend to space out every now and then, but this is a little bit much even for you.”

“Wow, thanks,” Haruki replies. “I’m okay.”

“Really, though. Don’t tell me you’re still hung up on Kaji?”

Haruki lowers his eyebrows into a frown. “I have a life outside of him, you know.”

“Sure, and that’s a good thing. But that’s not what I was asking.”

“It’s fine. I can’t get over him just like that, you know. It takes time.”

“Probably doesn’t help that you see him that often, hm?”

Haruki offers his friend an unimpressed look. “So what do you suggest I do?”

“Maybe you need time away from the band? Do you have any gigs planned soon?”

They don’t, but that’s just because they’re trying to focus on production for now _before_ they do another live gig. It’s nice not having to stress out about having limited time before they’re up on stage, just taking things at their own pace. It feels like it helps creativity; they’ve so far completed one song and are well on their way to having completed yet another, mostly put together by Mafuyu. Things won’t be this casual if they go pro, which is why Haruki wants to enjoy it as much as he can.

“No,” he replies. “But I can’t just stop showing up at the studio.”

“Why not?”

“Well, what would I say? ‘I’m staying away because I can’t be near Akihiko without feeling like my heart’s gonna explode’? _He_ doesn’t even know that, much less the other two.”

Kouji lets out a sigh, and he takes a sip of his beer before he speaks. “Then maybe you need to talk to him? Lay out all cards on the table, that kind of stuff.”

“Wha—you must be joking.”

“I’m not. It’s obviously affecting you. Either that or you try to forget about him, which is the option I prefer because he’s just… well, he’s Kaji. He’s unreliable, he’s immature, and—”

“Okay, okay—I get it,” Haruki interrupts. “I get that you don’t like him, but I can’t help that I do. But I’m trying.”

“Trying?”

Haruki shrugs. “To get over him, because I know that’s for the best. So… you know. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Kouji seems to be somewhat placated for now, because he at least drops the subject, which Haruki is thankful for. He knows it doesn’t stop his friend from worrying, but there’s nothing he can do about that. At least he’s glad someone worries about him, even if it isn’t necessary. They say time heals all wounds, and maybe time can also just magically erase romantic feelings.

In reality, Kouji’s suggestion _would_ have been one way to go if only Haruki knew what excuse to use when saying he wouldn’t be at the studio for a bit. He can’t say he doesn’t feel well, because he’s still going to attend his classes and go to work, where people can easily find him and tell that he’s lying. He also can’t do like Akihiko and disappear without a trace for a while because he isn’t… Akihiko. He’s too damn honest.

In the end, Haruki shoves that idea aside, and does his best to suppress his feelings. If he’s been able to do it for so long without anyone but Kouji noticing, he can probably keep it up even longer, still. This all just came up to the surface because of what happened that night, but since it won’t happen again, Haruki feels at least somewhat confident that things will revert to the way they were, in time.

* * *

Even though they cleared both the first and second stages of the qualification for the Countdown Amateur-Fes Contest, CAC for short, Given does not pass the live performance judging. Which is honestly pretty surprising considering how the crowd reacted to their song “ _Dawn Will Break Soon_ ”. It’s a good song, obviously, but something was still missing. That something is what now spurs them on to try again for whatever next competition they enter. Haruki is still mostly in charge of entering Given into competitions, but he’s at least forced the others to help with the social media accounts management, making things easier on himself.

So far, balancing band related matters with both studies and his job isn’t that bad. In fact, Haruki likes staying busy, especially since he gets to put music into the mix. He’s been involved and obsessed with music for so long that it’s hard to imagine a life without it, a life where he hadn’t stuck to bass playing as diligently in order to get where he is now. He may not be a genius like his other members, and while it’s sometimes frustrating, he’s coming to terms with the fact that it’s still fine. Mafuyu, Uenoyama, and Akihiko have all three emphasised his importance in the band and even in their _lives_ more than once, and while it’s still hard to completely take to heart, he tries to. It feels nice knowing people appreciate you, not just as a bassist in a band but as a person.

It’s a Thursday, and it’s just Haruki, Uenoyama, and Mafuyu at the studio. Uenoyama and Mafuyu had been there for a little while before Haruki arrived, working hard on a new song. Haruki finds it very interesting and exciting to see Mafuyu’s development as not just a guitarist, but as a musician in general.

Way back, he’d borrowed apparently an entire cardboard box full of CDs from Akihiko (who even listens to physical CDs these days?) with music from all kinds of genres. And it’s obvious that he’s been listening to more than a handful of those, because it’s evident in the music he creates, in the way he thinks and talks about music, and in the way he’s just casually jamming, too. His progression from being the kid who had a guitar seemingly dropped onto him like a burden to becoming a full-fledged, talented musician is both impressive and scary.

“We were thinking about adding your bass here,” Mafuyu says, and when it sounds like the melody transitions to the bridge, he continues. “And here, Kaji’s drums, too.”

Haruki raises his eyebrows, and he almost drops his jaw. The song currently without lyrics and just the two guitars is already good enough to draw him in, and he’s excited to be added into all of this alongside the other side of the rhythm section—Akihiko.

“Speaking _of_ him,” Haruki says. “Either of you heard anything?”

“He texted me saying he’d run a little late, got stuck with something,” Uenoyama informs.

_Something_? For some reason, Haruki doesn’t like the sound of that. It’s most definitely not uni related stuff, so what else could it be? He’s definitely not stuck at work or Uenoyama would know this since they work together at the convenience store on Thursdays. It hits Haruki that he doesn’t know that much about Akihiko’s private life. He doesn’t know where Akihiko lives, what he does when he’s not at uni, working or when they’re at the studio.

To be fair, Akihiko is a fairly private person and doesn’t talk much about himself, and Haruki has never felt the need to press for details. As long as it doesn’t interfere with band practice, Haruki doesn’t mind. Now that there might be a risk of that actually becoming a thing, maybe he _should_ try and get to know Akihiko on a more personal level. He knows the chances of him actually getting any coherent information from Akihiko are small, but he might as well try.

The door to the studio opens, and Akihiko walks in, sounding slightly out of breath. “Sorry for being late,” he says. “Got held up.”

_Again with the omission of details_. Is it bad that all this time, they’ve all just accepted it and never questioned things? Doesn’t that make them bad friends? Haruki puts his thoughts aside for now with a quiet sigh, and puts on his happy face.

“It’s fine. What matters is that you’re here now, so let’s just get started.”

It continues to happen every now and then that Akihiko arrives late for practice. Every time, he leaves out the details and just apologises for being late. As much as Haruki wants to know the reason behind it, he can’t find it within him to ask. It’s really none of his business, they’re just friends and bandmates, after all.

… Friends that also happened to have sex a few weeks ago.

Still, that doesn’t give Haruki the right to barge in on Akihiko’s private life… though he feels like he should be able to once it starts interfering with things related to him. And now that Akihiko occasionally arrives late to the studio and inconveniences the other members of Given, maybe this _is_ the time for him to ask. If only he knew how to.

Kouji continues to worry as the good friend he is, but he’s not as adamant about Haruki giving up on Akihiko anymore. He assumes that it’s just because Kouji probably knows it’s a lot easier said than done to give up on someone you have a long-lasting crush on that really is more than a simple crush at this point. Giving up isn’t easy when you’re in the same band, but Haruki can’t leave Given just because he’s trying to give up on Akihiko. The band and music in general means way too much to him to be able to just leave it like that, so instead, he has to find another way.

On a studio day when Akihiko isn’t just a _little_ late, Haruki is getting annoyed. Like most other times he’s asked, Mafuyu and Uenoyama haven’t heard anything from Akihiko, and the same obviously goes for Haruki. Akihiko’s phone isn’t switched off, but it rings long enough for Haruki to be connected to voicemail, at which point he just hangs up because leaving a voicemail is pointless. If Akihiko doesn’t want to be reached, it’s easy for him to achieve that.

“Uh, not to be that person,” Uenoyama says, “but I don’t think we’re gonna have any drums today. I have to get out of here in thirty minutes.”

“I do, too,” Mafuyu chimes in, and the discomfort in both of them at Akihiko’s unexplained absence for what seems to be the entire studio session is painfully obvious.

Haruki doesn’t know why, but he feels sort of bad for the younger members of the band. They don’t have a gig immediately planned, so it isn’t as if they’re in a particular hurry, but if they’ve specifically said to gather in the studio on certain days, it’s expected for people to actually show up. And now that a fourth of the band is _missing_ , of course it’s going to be noticeable and most of all just strange.

In the end, Haruki, Mafuyu, and Uenoyama leave the studio together without Akihiko ever showing up or letting them know why he didn’t. Haruki now feels more annoyed than he did half an hour ago, and he curses himself for never having found out where Akihiko lives. If he knew, he could’ve gone over there to see why the hell Akihiko thought it was okay to just be absent without saying anything about why. He’s not working this late, that’s for sure, and he’s never been one to stay at campus late, either.

Haruki drives both Mafuyu and Uenoyama home so they won’t have to take the train this late, and then he drives back home to his own apartment. All this time, his mind has not once been occupied with anything other than Akihiko. He realises that he might be more worried than annoyed at this point: it’s not like Akihiko to not even send a text message at _all_ to either apologise or explain himself. Maybe something happened?

When he’s back inside the apartment, Haruki fishes his phone out of his pocket again, and after unlocking it, his thumb hovers over Akihiko’s contact for what must be a full minute before he decides to try and call again. He doesn’t have any expectations considering he hasn’t gotten a response in all evening, but Haruki’s heart skips a beat when the signals stop and he hears Akihiko’s voice on the other end of the line.

“ _Hey_ ,” Akihiko says. “ _Sorry I didn’t show up today_.”

“Sorry doesn’t begin to cover it,” Haruki replies through half-gritted teeth. The fucking _nerve_. “Where have you been? Where are you?”

“ _Listen, I can’t talk right now. I’m—_ ”

“ _Aki, come back. This bed is too small for one person_.”

Haruki’s breath hitches in his throat at the sound of a male stranger’s voice in the background. He opens his mouth to say something, but Akihiko is faster.

“ _Sorry. Talk soon._ ”

And then, Akihiko hangs up. Haruki lowers his phone to stare dumbly at the display, at his list of contacts that now shows instead of the in-call screen.

_Aki_.

_This bed is too small for one person_.

Haruki backs up against the wall, and he sinks down onto the floor. Indeed, he was an idiot for ever hoping for anything with Akihiko Kaji, who apparently already has someone else in his life. And yet, he thought sleeping with Haruki was a good idea? Maybe Haruki means less to Akihiko than Haruki had thought.

He feels sick to his stomach, and goes to bed without having dinner, without taking a shower. In the darkness and deafening silence of his bedroom, Haruki still hears the soft, affectionate voice calling Akihiko’s name on the phone. If he’d bothered to get to know Akihiko more, this wouldn’t have felt as bad as it does. But since he only just now found out that Akihiko already has a boyfriend, it hurts knowing that the relationship might’ve been a fact for a while now. And Haruki had absolutely no idea.

_“What’s that about?”_

_“Dunno. I just… guess I wouldn’t mind if that happened again.”_

Haruki groans, shoving his head under the pillow. Fuck Akihiko Kaji for making him hope for something that would never happen, anyway.


	2. pity party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruki spends a few days in solitude to piece himself back together, and Mafuyu comes to check up on him.

He knows he won’t be of use if he goes to work considering the mental state he’s in, so Haruki takes a few days off work. Instead of just sending Uenoyama and Mafuyu text messages, he calls them and apologises profusely for not being able to go to the studio. At least he can let people _know_ he won’t be there while a certain someone else doesn’t seem to think that it’s important to do so. When he’s done everything he needs to with the help of his phone, he turns it off. Haruki is normally fairly dependent on his phone, both for work, his social life, and obviously the band, but now that he’s crossing out all three of those categories for a bit, his phone won’t have to be switched on.

Haruki doesn’t care what people would think. He lets himself mope for a day, feeling sorry for himself and cursing the day he called out to Akihiko during that lecture all those years ago. Things might’ve still worked out fine if that hadn’t happened. Even though Haruki’s band had split up because their singer decided to leave them for another band, he could’ve probably either joined another band or formed one with other people. The thing is, again, that the band Haruki would have joined otherwise wouldn’t have Uenoyama and Mafuyu in it. He’s so glad to be in a band with both of them, because even though he sometimes feels inferior to them in terms of talent, he still loves hanging out, composing music, and performing live with these people.

… But then there’s Akihiko. Haruki thinks back to how Kouji had called Akihiko unreliable, and that’s unfortunately starting to become true. If they can’t reach Akihiko on the phone and if they can’t expect him to show up during practice when everyone else does, that _does_ make him unreliable. When it comes down to it, they’ve gotta have someone around who they can count on to both be reachable and also responsible. Maybe Akihiko has lost that, in the end, for a reason Haruki can’t figure out.

Maybe they need to make the decision to kick Akihiko from the band, in the end. Replacing band members is a pain, and it would hurt a _lot_ to have to kick a longtime member from Given. Haruki really doesn’t want to do it, but if this keeps going, they might not have much of a choice, especially if they manage to land a gig. They can’t play without a drummer, or else they’ll have to completely rewrite their songs and write new pieces to omit percussion. There’s a lot of work behind that, too, and honestly—finding a new drummer might be easier.

On his third so-called ‘sick day’, Haruki finally musters the energy to take a shower, and he makes himself food from what’s left in his fridge and cupboards. They’re small, trivial things, but Haruki still feels somewhat accomplished for having both cooked and showered when he definitely wasn’t in the mood to do either of those yesterday. It’s frustrating to know that this is caused by one person, that a single person can have that kind of power.

Most of what happened these days he’s spent at home is a blur. Not that anything significant has happened, of course, but he hasn’t kept track of what time of day it is, if he’s had breakfast or dinner, or if he watered his plants. (He most likely didn’t.) As long as he’s still alive, Haruki figures things are fine. Maybe not good, but fine.

Despite the warmer temperatures outside, Haruki huddles up on the couch wrapped in a blanket, watching whatever’s on TV. He watches the news, the latter half of a murder case documentary, and the fifth episode of a show he’s been sort of interested in watching but never got around to watching. Of course, watching the fifth episode didn’t make much sense, but Haruki feels more like going back to watch it from the beginning now than he did before.

The ringing of his doorbell makes Haruki nearly jump up off the couch. He places his hand over his heart, sighs, and gets up to see who it could be. Passing by his kitchen, he spots the clock on his microwave oven that tells him it’s already past six. He opens the door, and his eyebrows shoot up at who he sees on the other side.

“... Mafuyu?”

“Hi,” Mafuyu replies. “Can I come in, or is it a bad time?”

Well, first of all, he’s not properly dressed to host a guest in his apartment right now. He hasn’t really done any cleaning, either, and though he normally isn’t one to make a mess, he still feels like it’d be polite to at least run the hoover before someone else comes in. But he tries pushing those thoughts aside, and instead just lets Mafuyu inside before locking the door again.

“Did you come all the way from school? That’s a pretty long trip.”

“It’s fine.”

“Do you want anything to drink? I think I only have water and tea to off—”

“Haruki.”

Haruki turns around at the sudden gravity of Mafuyu’s tone of voice. “Uh… yeah?”

“Did something happen with Akihiko?”

His heart skips a beat, and that nauseating feeling returns like a punch in the gut. “What do you mean?”

Mafuyu sighs. “I can put two and two together, you know. You’re in love with him, right?”

Haruki smiles a little, and he shakes his head. He sits down on the couch, and Mafuyu follows suit. “Am I that obvious?”

“… Well, a little. It’s just… difficult to watch. It hurts seeing you like this.”

Haruki doesn’t know how to respond to that. He hangs his head, hunching his shoulders, and he exhales a little laugh that sounds strange even to his own ears. “Figures.”

“Did something happen?”

He thinks all the way back to the night Akihiko spent at his place, when they’d had sex, and how they’d woken up in the same bed the morning after. He also thinks about the phone conversation from the other day when he’d found out about Akihiko’s boyfriend, and how that had crushed all of his hopes and dreams into fine sand. What the hell is he doing? Why can’t Haruki just get over the guy, like Kouji says? Why is that so difficult?

“I… well… he, um. I found out he has a boyfriend already.”

Mafuyu lets out a quiet _oh_. “Did he tell you?”

“No, but I heard… the guy in the background when I last called Akihiko. It was enough.”

“I’m sorry.”

Haruki shrugs. “Nothing to do about it. I’ll get over it. Will probably be easier now. I’m sorry I’ve been away from the studio; I’ll be back next week. I promise.”

“It’s okay. Ritsuka and I have—”

_“Ritsuka?”_

Mafuyu clears his throat, and when Haruki casts a glance at Mafuyu, he looks a little embarrassed, almost. It’s rare to see Mafuyu like this, but Haruki feels like Mafuyu has started to change a lot since he and Uenoyama started dating. It’s nice to see, most of all because Mafuyu definitely seems a lot happier now than before they performed live for the first time as Given.

“Yeah, we… decided to go by first names. Since we’re dating.”

“Makes sense. I’m happy for you, you’re good for each other.”

Mafuyu huffs, and he smiles. “Thank you. Anyway, we’ve been working on a new song, and so far it’s fine that it’s just us, but we do want you two in on it at some point.” He pauses, and almost looks conflicted for a moment. “So… I don’t want to rub salt in your wounds, but… Akihiko has been to the studio this week. Once, but… still.”

Haruki lets out a hum. “I see. Did he say anything?”

“Not much. He apologised for not showing up last time, but we didn’t ask. He looks…” Mafuyu trails off. He lowers his eyebrows briefly, but then he shakes his head. “It’s nothing.”

“What? You can’t just leave it there.”

“I don’t want to make baseless assumptions. I’ll tell you when I know if I was right or wrong.”

Mafuyu is very perceptive, sometimes on the same level as Akihiko is, sometimes even more than that. Haruki doesn’t know how Mafuyu does it, but it must just be something he was born with. Haruki at least _tries_ to read between the lines and be attentive to those around him, but he lacks that extra bit that separates him from others who have that sixth sense. He feels bad that he once thought of Mafuyu as someone who has his head in the clouds; now that he knows the reason behind Mafuyu occasionally spacing out, he regrets having judged his friend and band member before getting a better understanding of Mafuyu in general. Mafuyu is very attentive, he’s sensitive to other people’s feelings, and most of all, he’s very kind. It really is no wonder that Uenoyama fell for this kid as fast and as hard as he did.

“Can I ask… how long you’ve liked him?” Mafuyu asks. Though he _is_ sensitive to other people’s feelings, he’s often also very blunt and doesn’t cut corners. Which is a good thing, but it catches Haruki off guard sometimes.

“Honestly, since the first time I saw him in his first year at uni,” Haruki responds. “Not love at first sight, but… you know.”

Mafuyu doesn’t respond for a moment, but he looks like he’s pondering Haruki’s words. “Are you sure you’ll be okay to be back at the studio if he’s there?”

He can’t say that for sure unless he tries. No matter how Haruki may feel now, things may change once he steps inside the studio and potentially sees Akihiko there, too. They haven’t seen each other in well over a week by now, so the impact of seeing Akihiko again may be a rather big one, but Haruki still wants to get back into the swing of things. Maybe now that he’s hit the lowest point of his useless crush, things will get better. He doesn’t want to place all of his hope there, though, just in case the disappointment is too great and he ends up here again

“I’ll be fine,” Haruki replies even though he doesn’t know that. “Thanks, Mafuyu.”

Mafuyu doesn’t look entirely convinced, but at least enough to let it go. He leaves shortly after, and Haruki feels a little better having talked to Mafuyu. It’ll be tough in the beginning to be around Akihiko at the studio, but things won’t get better if Haruki keeps avoiding it.

* * *

As he’d expected and maybe feared, Haruki does see Akihiko at the studio the next time Haruki himself feels ready to return. It’s not as bad as he had originally thought, even though there _is_ a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach during the entire session. It doesn’t really help when Akihiko asks if he wants to go out for a smoke, either, but Haruki still agrees to it. He figures it might be a good opportunity to ask Akihiko why he’s been absent from the studio as much as he has. New relationships are always going to take up a lot of time and attention, and then there’s the gross honeymoon phase, too—but Akihiko should know enough to at least let others outside of it know why he’s not showing up for things like band practice.

They leave the studio and head out around back where there’s a smoking area. Before Haruki can fish his own lighter out of his pocket, Akihiko offers his. He awkwardly takes it, and then sits down next to Akihiko as silence falls between the two. At least there’s the distant sound of cicadas to make it a little less awkward.

“Sorry I didn’t show up before,” Akihiko finally says, and Haruki is surprised that he wasn’t the one who had to bring it up. “I… um, it’s… complicated.”

Haruki casts a sidelong glance at Akihiko, and he lets out a slow exhale through his nose. He watches the cigarette smoke rise into the air and quickly dissipate. “Can we count on you coming to the studio more often again, or will there be times when we can’t?”

“I don’t know,” Akihiko says. “I want to be here, that’s not… the issue.”

If he wants to be there, why isn’t he? It doesn’t make sense. Haruki feels annoyance come creeping up inside him, thankfully replacing that awful feeling he’s had since earlier.

Haruki swallows a sigh. “Can you at least try?”

“I _am_ trying.”

There are so many things Haruki wants to ask, but most of them are things he really has no right to ask or know about in the first place. It doesn’t concern him whether or not Akihiko already has a boyfriend. It doesn’t concern him if Akihiko lives with someone else. What _does_ concern him is that one thing Akihiko said a few weeks back, that he wanted them to have sex again. Why did he say that if he’s already in a relationship? Why does he now act like it didn’t happen?

What the hell is going on inside Akihiko’s head?

Haruki can’t ask, though. Whatever he may want to ask, he doesn’t have it in him to put forward those questions. So instead, he drops it, and decides to at least pretend like he believes Akihiko for now. If things continue like this and Given lands another gig, they’ll have to deal with this situation properly. They can’t confirm a gig if they don’t know if their drummer’s even going to show up.

To Haruki’s surprise, Akihiko shows up at the studio before anyone else the next time they get together. It very clearly surprises both Uenoyama and Mafuyu, too, but at least they don’t say anything about it. The fact that they don’t know these days if Akihiko’s going to be there either first of them, arrive a little or very late, or just not show up at all… is very frustrating. And Haruki feels how the seams are starting to come loose around the framework that is their band, but he doesn’t know what to do until it might be almost too late.

The thing is, though, practice goes on like it usually does. They’re in sync for the most part and can rectify things if they aren’t. They’re having fun, joking, talking about what happened during the day, discussing music in various ways. On a Friday when they’ve all gathered at the studio after work, they head out to a charcoal grill afterwards and have dinner together. It feels like it usually does, except there’s just something invisible that makes it feel different. Maybe Haruki isn’t the only one who’s thought of the possibility of having to at least get a support drummer if they’re planning to perform live again sometime soon.

“We’ve come a long way since the time when we’d just formed The Seasons. I mean, back then, the nickname ‘Ue-sama’ was more fitting.”

Uenoyama glares daggers at Akihiko, who snickers in response. “I wasn’t that bad.”

“Oh, you were. Shit had to be done your way or you wouldn’t have it.”

“Really?” Mafuyu asks, and Haruki puts his hands up in front of him. He really doesn’t want Mafuyu’s image of Uenoyama to change just because of something that happened in the past, way before Mafuyu even came into the picture. Besides, Akihiko is very much exaggerating it, though it’s obvious that he’s doing it in a joking manner.

“It really wasn’t that bad, no. Akihiko’s just being an ass because he likes to be. I won’t deny he was a bit more angsty of a teenager back then, and sometimes it came out as him being a little snippy during practice.”

“Sorry,” Uenoyama mutters. “I was still salty because of my old band.”

“We know, we know,” Haruki responds. “But it’s true, we really have come a long way. We also broke that golden rule that Ue himself was the most adamant about keeping.”

“What rule?”

Akihiko snorts. “No dating in the band. _‘No matter how you look at it, hooking up with a band member just means there’ll be problems. How thoughtless can you be?’_ ”

“I can’t believe you remember it down to every single word I said.”

“I only remember it because I had a feeling you might be the one to go against that rule.”

Uenoyama drops his jaw and dramatically places his hand over his chest. Mafuyu, next to him, just looks on with a mildly amused look on his face before he looks down at his phone.

“We high schoolers should probably head out soon,” he says. “It’s getting pretty late, even if it _is_ a Friday.”

Akihiko gasps as he looks down at his now empty beer glass. The third one this evening, while Haruki made sure to go lighter with two. “Shit, I forgot. Uh… Haruki, can I spend the night at your place?”

“What?” He just barely manages to disguise the surprise in his voice. “What did you forget?”

“I came here on my motorcycle.”

Haruki swallows. In the corner of his eye, he catches Mafuyu’s concerned look, but he shrugs, and puts on a smile. “Jeez, you idiot. Fine.”

“You’re a lifesaver. Seriously.”

Haruki and Akihiko walk to the train station with Uenoyama and Mafuyu, and then they get on separate trains heading back home. When it’s just the two of them, Haruki feels himself getting nervous again. This is a really bad idea, but the timing is way worse. The difference this time is that he’s definitely not as drunk as he was that one time Akihiko went home with him and they ended up having sex.

Tonight, Haruki makes a promise to himself that he won’t sleep in the same bed as Akihiko. Tonight, Akihiko sleeps on the fucking couch.

Before Haruki even has time to take his shoes off, his phone buzzes in his pocket with a new message. When he takes it out to see who it is, it surprises him to see that it’s Mafuyu.

Haruki smiles a little to himself. It’s nice that Mafuyu cares and worries about him, even though he’s a couple of years younger and it _should_ be the other way around. He heads inside the apartment proper, and is relieved to see that Akihiko already claimed the couch as his sleeping spot for the night. He really has been there too many times by now, if he’s _this_ comfortable in Haruki’s apartment. Haruki has never been to Akihiko’s place, and he knows that if he _had_ , he might’ve found out about the boyfriend sooner. And then maybe this entire mess wouldn’t have had to happen.

They take turns using the bathroom, and when Haruki comes out after his turn, Akihiko is half sitting up on the couch with his knees pulled up, and he’s scrolling through something on his phone. His attention is directed toward Haruki when Haruki emerges from the bathroom, however, and it makes Haruki feel a little embarrassed, almost, even though he’s very much wearing clothes.

“No cold shower tonight, huh?” Akihiko asks, and Haruki stops, shooting a glare at his unexpected guest on the couch.

“Ha ha. You know, it’s summer, so it’s not that weird to take cold showers.”

Akihiko laughs. “I guess so. You know, I’ve been thinking. Mafuyu’s gotten really talkative recently, hasn’t he?”

“Yeah, he has. It’s nice to see.”

“Mhm. That concert was really necessary, I think… for all of us? In different ways, I mean.”

Haruki would be an idiot not to agree. There’s just something to Mafuyu’s voice and his lyrics that seems almost like magic. It has unlocked things within Haruki that he didn’t know he had in him, and it almost makes him scared of what kind of lyrics Mafuyu comes up with next. They’re good, of course, and even though Haruki can’t personally relate to songs like “ _A Winter Story_ ”, it still makes him feel more than he probably would, had someone else written and sung the lyrics.

“I think so too,” Haruki says, and he sits down on the edge of the couch. “That certainly was one hell of a gig, though.”

“Oh yeah. It really made me look forward to the next one, and then we competed in CAC. Even though that didn’t work out, it still keeps me excited for what’s next. You know? It feels great.”

It’s a little strange at first, but Haruki soon enough becomes quite comfortable with the conversation he’s having with Akihiko. It feels like it used to, when they could talk about anything and everything and Haruki was able to properly put his feelings aside and focus on the friendship aspect instead. And while it’s a lot harder to do that now, moments like these sometimes makes him forget briefly that he’s laughing, talking to, and hanging out with his crush.

“Thanks for letting me stay the night,” Akihiko says, and Haruki shrugs as he gets up from the couch to head off to bed.

“It’s fine. If you need anything… well, you know where to find it.”

Akihiko grins. “Yeah. Night.”

“Good night.”

Haruki slides the door to his bedroom shut behind him, and he lets out a long sigh. It certainly wasn’t as bad as he’d expected, but that doesn’t mean the situation’s any less uncomfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that, in canon, both Mafuyu and Ritsuka refer to Akihiko and Haruki as "Kaji-san" and "Haruki-san" respectively. I elected to omit the honorifics and go strictly by first names because I don't like writing honorifics, and this isn't a story in Japanese to begin with. It just feels stiff and awkward for me to write those in English. That still doesn't mean Mafuyu and Ritsuka don't respect their elders, of course. :P


	3. something else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inevitable is discussed, and Haruki has a surprise showing up on the stairs outside his apartment. Not just once, but twice.

Maybe Haruki shouldn’t be surprised that Uenoyama is the one who finally calls him and Mafuyu to a ‘meeting’. It was bound to happen, and while Haruki definitely didn’t want to have to be the one, he’s been prepared for it just in case things were to continue spiralling downwards. And they have been, but not steadily. Again, Akihiko is sometimes the first one to arrive at the studio, all ready to go sitting by his drums. Sometimes he’s just a little late, which happens to everyone. But then there are still those days when he’s not just fashionably but frustratingly late.

It was only a matter of time, really. Haruki isn’t _scared_ of conflicts, but he does anything he can to prevent them from happening in the first place, and if a conflict arises, he’ll deal with it to the best of his abilities.

“I want to play live again soon,” Uenoyama says. “And I’m sure you both do, too.”

“I do,” Mafuyu agrees. He looks about as comfortable as Haruki feels, which is not very.

“We should try and do that every now and then to continue building our fanbase, to make our chances bigger to go pro one day. And currently, we’re lacking the stability to do that.” Uenoyama pauses, and then he lets out a frustrated sigh. “We need to look for a support drummer.”

Having those words out in the open now, those words that undoubtedly all three of them have been thinking for a while… feels strange. It’s like having a concept but never making it a tangible issue unless it’s verbally uttered, and now it has been. The reality is that their current drummer isn’t always present even though he swears he tries to be, and the other members have to do something about it. That’s just how it goes. If there is a weak link somewhere, you replace it to keep the rest of the chain functional. Haruki knows this much, but part of him still refuses to fully admit it.

Haruki understands Uenoyama’s frustration, too: as someone who has admired Akihiko for as long as he has, it must really hurt Uenoyama to have to look for someone to replace that role model of his in their band. At the same time, it’s oddly admirable to see Uenoyama being able to separate his respect for Akihiko from the role that Akihiko has in the band and is no longer able to fill. It would be very easy to have one’s judgment clouded here by personal opinion, but such seems to not be the case for Uenoyama.

“I know,” Haruki replies with a resigned sigh. “I’ll see what I can do on my end; I might ask Take if he knows of anyone we could get in touch with.”

Uenoyama sends Haruki a surprisingly grateful smile, and he nods. “Thanks. I’ll look around, too. I know of a few people but half of them aren’t even half as reliable as Akihiko is. So it’s gonna be a little tough, but I’m sure we can find someone. Unless we put up ads on our Twitter or—”

“We can’t do that,” Haruki interrupts with more panic in his voice than he intends for. “We can’t publicly announce that we’re looking for a support drummer… how would _that_ look?”

Uenoyama frowns at first, but then his eyebrows raise with the realisation which visibly hits him. “Oh. Shit, yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

“It’s alright. Even though we don’t have a particularly large following, I still don’t want to make it look like we’re having issues. It won’t look good to whoever might see those posts. A band’s reputation is fragile, and especially in our case when we’re still a relatively unknown band. But we’ve got contacts, we can probably figure something out.”

He has to leave the ‘probably’ in because Haruki doesn’t want to sound too positive—rather, he wants to be open, honest, and realistic with Mafuyu and Uenoyama. Even if he _is_ technically the leader of their band, he doesn’t want to stand above them and hog information or band-related thoughts to himself. The least he can offer in return for their honesty is his own.

“Does anyone even know what _happened_ to Akihiko?” Uenoyama asks. “He doesn’t seem like himself.”

Haruki shrugs. He definitely doesn’t know a lot, but he knows more than Uenoyama does. And what little he _does_ know is something he probably shouldn’t let Uenoyama know considering Akihiko used to date Uenoyama’s sister and dumped her in a rather cold way. It wasn’t as if he was mean or anything, but Uenoyama described it to Haruki as if Akihiko didn’t feel any remorse. With the mystery boyfriend in the picture, Haruki can only guess why that is.

“He won’t tell me anything,” he says instead, because that’s still true while he withholds something that he hasn’t been told specifically, only found out on his own.

“Maybe he’s starting to dislike music?”

“No,” Mafuyu chips in, which surprises both Haruki and Uenoyama. “No, that’s not it. Akihiko loves music, but… there’s something else. I don’t know what it is, though.”

Mafuyu is right: Akihiko _does_ love music, and it’s not something Haruki knows just because Akihiko has said so several times before, but when they’re performing live or when they’re in the studio, it’s very obvious. He becomes almost like a different person in that environment, and it just feels like that’s where he belongs.

“Maybe we shouldn’t speculate too much since it’s his private life,” Haruki says in the end. “I know it’s difficult to separate it from his presence, or absence, in the band since his private life seems to be what’s affecting that, but… we should try. And instead, we should just focus on trying to find at least a support drummer, for now.”

Uenoyama doesn’t seem entirely satisfied, but he relents, and that’s practically the end of that discussion. It’s not one they wanted to have, but definitely needed, and thankfully it was over with fairly quickly. They all knew what they were meeting up for, which is probably _why_ it went over that quickly.

As he often does, Haruki drives Mafuyu and Uenoyama home before he heads back to his own. Before he backs out of the street where Mafuyu lives, he checks his phone which buzzed in his pocket a little while ago, and his heart skips a beat when he sees it’s a text message from Akihiko.

Haruki blinks a few times in confusion at his phone screen. It wasn’t that long ago that Akihiko stayed the night, but then they’d been out drinking and Akihiko forgot that he’d come on his motorcycle. That can’t be the case this time around.

He puts his phone back, and drives in reverse down the street until he can make a turn and proceed towards Machida. Haruki prefers to drop Uenoyama off first since it’s a shorter drive back from Mafuyu’s to where he lives, and it seems they don’t really care who gets dropped off first, either. Maybe they’re just being nice to Haruki because he’s driving, who knows.

Ten minutes after leaving Mafuyu’s, Haruki parks outside his own apartment building and heads up inside. As expected, he finds Akihiko sitting outside on the stairs, and when Akihiko turns to face him, Haruki’s eyes widen at what he sees.

“What the hell happened to your face?!”

Akihiko shrugs. “I was cat-sitting. Stupid thing didn’t like me and let me know that.”

“Those scratches look like they hurt,” Haruki says, lowering his eyebrows with concern. He unlocks and opens the door to his apartment. “Come on, I’ll help you.”

Haruki helps Akihiko disinfect the scratches, and he puts a band-aid over the deepest ones. During the entire time that Haruki patches him up, Akihiko is unusually quiet. Haruki gets the feeling that something isn’t quite right, but he doesn’t know how to ask. It shouldn’t be any of his business… but they’re friends, right? He’s allowed to be _concerned_ , at least.

“Akihiko… did something happen?”

“I told you, it was a cat.”

“It doesn’t seem like it was. You’re being… off.”

Akihiko sighs. “Thanks for the help, Haruki. It’s not that bad; I think this’ll do.”

Well, he tried, and as Haruki maybe should’ve expected, Akihiko closed himself off in response. It wasn’t a cat, but whatever _did_ happen that Haruki apparently can’t know about is now starting to really concern him. Again, if he tries to reach out, he now knows that Akihiko will pull away. A knot forms in the pit of Haruki’s stomach as he wonders if this might have to do with why Akihiko has been so inconsistent with showing up for band practice. He wants to hope for the best, but seeing Akihiko like this makes it difficult.

* * *

“I should’ve known this was bound to happen. It really doesn’t surprise me.”

Haruki sighs, and he relaxes his shoulders with the exhale. “Don’t. You’re mixing this up with _my_ issue.”

“No, it’s definitely related,” Kouji insists, “because Kaji is the one inconveniencing all of you and he’s the reason why you’re looking for a support drummer in the first place. And he’s taking advantage of your kindness, too. Why’d you even let him stay the night?”

“Because he didn’t seem like he had any other place to go.”

“Did you ask? Doesn’t he already live with someone, like you told me?”

“He does,” Haruki replies, and as he confirms that, he can’t help but wonder what _did_ happen there for Akihiko to either not be allowed to come back home or for him to not to want to return home.”I didn’t ask.”

It’s a warm evening in the beginning of July. Haruki and Kouji are out with a few friends for food and drinks, and it’s been nice to catch up on things. Up until now, Haruki has avoided Kouji’s relentless roasting since the others were present, but now that it’s just the two of them out back smoking, of course Kouji takes the chance. And Haruki can’t really blame him because he isn’t too sure he wouldn’t do the same thing had their roles been switched.

Kouji clicks his tongue, and he shakes his head. “I think you should. Not only because he stayed at your apartment when he already has a place to live, but also because he’s causing trouble for your band. I _told_ you he’s unreliable.”

“I know you did.”

“I’m not trying to rub it in your face, I’m just looking out for you, Haruki.”

“Yeah,” Haruki says through a sigh, and he taps his cigarette on the railing they’re leaning against. “I know. Thanks.”

“Sure. I’ll look around and see if I can help you find a drummer. There’s bound to be _someone_ out there who could fill that spot.”

Haruki doesn’t dare hope for too much at least anytime soon, but it’s nice having someone help them out. A thought crosses his mind to reach out to his ex-girlfriend Aya, but Haruki shudders at the mere thought and quickly pushes it aside. Even though they aren’t necessarily on _bad_ terms these days, asking Aya for a favour might still be pushing his luck.

Their hunt continues over the following week, and most of the time when they report back to each other, the responses are usually ‘ _nah, nothing yet_ ’ or ‘ _it didn’t work out_ ’. While they’re looking for a support drummer, the three of them still gather at the studio for practice, brainstorming, and composing. It’s obviously not the same as if they were a full band, but they’re trying to make the best out of what they’ve got. Akihiko still shows up both of those times that week, but of course, he’s not just a little late.

It’s sad to think that they’re slowly getting used to this. Despite Akihiko’s apologies, the other three almost shrug it off as if it doesn’t matter, and maybe that’s partly because they’re seeking to at least temporarily replace him with someone else. Haruki _hopes_ that it’s temporary, that whatever Akihiko is going through is just another phase in his life. The thing is, though, as little input as he has on the matter, Haruki doesn’t like what he’s seeing of it.

The Friday that Haruki turns twenty-three arrives, and the entire band heads out for dinner after they’ve spent a couple of hours at the studio. They’ve finalised another song, and it feels good. Haruki is excited to play live again, but as soon as he thinks about that, the follow-up of having to find a support drummer _before_ they perform comes to mind. He’s surprised but also relieved that Akihiko seemingly hasn’t noticed him and the others sneaking behind his back, but also worries that maybe it’s only a matter of time.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I kinda would’ve wanted to see Mafuyu take a basketball to the face.”

“Wow, that’s _awful_ ,” Haruki chastises Akihiko, who just laughs. “It looks like it wasn’t that bad, though?”

Mafuyu shrugs. “No, it was fine. I had a nosebleed for a short while and my nose swelled up a little, but that was it.”

“I took him to the infirmary, so I can tell you that it was absolutely worse than Mafuyu makes it seem. He had an ice pack stuck to his face for, like, an hour afterwards. That damn Itaya shoots _really_ hard.”

Akihiko coos. “Aw, you’re such a good boyfriend, Ue.”

“Shut up, of _course_ I’d help him out.”

“I know. It’s cute.”

“Stop saying it’s cute.”

Haruki smiles and shakes his head. “It’s been quite a while since I played basketball myself. I almost miss those days when physical activity was mandatory.”

“I don’t,” Akihiko shudders. “That sucked the fun out of _doing_ physical activity in the first place.”

It’s nice that, besides them hanging out over dinner and drinks, the birthday celebration is kept to a minimum. The older Haruki gets, the less he wants to actually celebrate his birthday. That doesn’t mean people around him don’t want to celebrate him, which he thinks is nice, but he’s definitely stopped enjoying getting older at this point.

When Mafuyu and Uenoyama leave around ten, Haruki and Akihiko are left behind with beer still left in both of their glasses. This is definitely Haruki’s last one, though, not just because he doesn’t want to get too drunk, but because he’s tired. He’s looking forward to a shower and then his bed, and just for his birthday to be over so he won’t have to think about it anymore. There’s always something about birthdays that makes people act differently around the one turning a year older, and while Haruki _does_ appreciate people being nice, it still feels a little weird.

“So, how did you think the day went?”

Haruki turns his head, facing Akihiko. “It was nice. Not the part about getting older, but everything else.”

“Ha, yeah. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I feel like I will.”

“I don’t wanna ruin it for you,” Haruki replies with a snort before he empties his beer.

Akihiko laughs. “I feel like that’s just part of growing up?”

“Whoa. That’s… surprisingly sad.”

“Yeah, well.”

Haruki is home right before midnight, and he feels like he still has a smile stuck to his face as he enters his apartment. It was a fun evening, and he’s glad he got to spend it with his friends who also happen to be in the same band as him. Kouji was supposed to join, too, but he’d declined as soon as he heard of a certain someone who was present, and instead promised to take Haruki out for drinks tomorrow instead, prolonging the birthday celebration. Haruki had hoped that maybe there would come a day when Kouji could come to at least _tolerate_ Akihiko, but now he knows that day definitely isn’t right around the corner.

When meeting up with Kouji that Saturday, Haruki finds out that Kouji hasn’t had any luck in the support drummer department yet, either. Haruki knows it won’t be an easy process, but he still can’t help but feel a little defeated about the whole thing. The sooner they get to perform live again the better, but it won’t _be_ soon since they first have to actually find a drummer and then have that person learn to play their songs.

It still makes Haruki feel sick to his stomach at the thought of replacing Akihiko, no matter how many times he’s both been told and even told himself that this is necessary if Akihiko continues to seemingly choose whenever he wants to show up and when he doesn’t feel like it.

If only Haruki knew he would start to find out the reason behind all of this that very same evening.

On his way home, Haruki receives a text message, but he doesn’t read it until he’s parked his car at home. His eyebrows fly up under his bangs as he sees Akihiko’s name on his screen, not to mention the actual message.

He runs inside the building and up the stairs, coming to an almost screeching halt as he almost runs into Akihiko where he sits on the steps near the top. Haruki bends over to catch his breath, and when he looks up, his heart stops.

“What… happened to your face? That definitely wasn’t a cat.”

No, a cat wouldn’t cause a black-eye and a bruise on Akihiko’s right cheekbone, Haruki knows that much. He also knows that the first time he saw Akihiko like this, it wasn’t a cat, either.

Akihiko looks up at Haruki, but then he shrugs and looks away. “I fell down the stairs to the basement apartment I live in.”

‘ _The apartment I live in_ ’, Haruki notes. Akihiko didn’t say ‘my apartment’, but specifically chose that other wording. There’s a whole lot to unpack here and Haruki doesn’t know where the hell to start other than the fact that he at least needs to get Akihiko inside his apartment before any neighbours come out to check what the fuss is about.

He let it slide once but now that it hasn’t happened just once, Haruki can’t stand by and watch whatever this is anymore. He can’t just _be_ a bystander at this point, because they’ve known each other for so long that he’d almost feel responsible if he didn’t intervene somehow. Akihiko may push him away, but Haruki is dumb enough to be stubborn and not give up the first time around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, this is where some of those tags above start becoming relevant.


	4. gnossienne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akihiko talks about why he ended up on Haruki's doorstep again, and why he's been inconsistent with his studio presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **gnossienne** : a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the hallways of their personality is a door locked from the inside, a stairway leading to a wing of the house that you’ve never fully explored—an unfinished attic that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you, because ultimately neither of you has a map, or a master key, or any way of knowing exactly where you stand.

Like last time, Akihiko is quiet when Haruki makes them tea in the kitchen. Akihiko sits by the kitchen table looking out the window, and when Haruki has a moment to steal a glance Akihiko’s way, he notes that Akihiko fidgets with his hands. It’s so very unlike him, and therefore, concerning. Haruki, however, lets Akihiko collect himself for a bit while he finishes in the kitchen, and then he returns to sit across from Akihiko at the table, setting their mugs down.

“Thanks,” Akihiko mumbles. “Sorry that I just showed up. Again.”

Haruki holds back a sigh. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“My roommate kicked me out. I… have nowhere else to go.”

“What? But you… said it was fine if I didn’t say yes?”

Akihiko shrugs. His gaze is downcast, shoulders slightly hunched. Haruki’s chest aches at the sight. Akihiko looks so much younger, like a lost teenager. The bruises on his face definitely help to keep that image up, too, unfortunately.

“It’s not the first time. I’ve stayed in other places before when he’s thrown me out.”

Haruki lowers his eyebrows. They must’ve been together for a while then, and if that’s the case, the whole thing with Akihiko saying he wanted them to ‘do it again’ that one time was incredibly screwed up. Well… unless this relationship of his has been bad for longer than that. But why wouldn’t he just get out, then?

“This isn’t the first time.”

“No. I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Why not?”

Akihiko lets out a sort of frustrated noise whilst making a grimace, and he shrugs once more. “I don’t know. It’s… complicated.”

Well, that much is obvious. Haruki’s mind suddenly retrieves the memory of his discussion with Mafuyu and Uenoyama the other day. Mafuyu had said that there seemed to be ‘something else’ something other than him losing his passion for music as to why he’s been absent recently. Maybe Mafuyu has figured out this much already, and Haruki is just now connecting the dots because Akihiko is right here, finally talking about it.

“Did he hurt you?”

Akihiko makes yet another grimace at Haruki’s probably very direct question. “I mean… yeah. Yeah, we… got into a fight. It tends to happen.”

Haruki repeats the last sentence in his head, attempting to let it sink in but it just won’t, he can’t understand it. He wants so badly to ask, but he can’t. It probably _is_ more complicated than to just up and leave a clearly abusive relationship—had he been able to, Akihiko would’ve probably, hopefully, walked out a while ago.

“… How long has this been going on?”

“I don’t know.” There’s a lot of ‘I don’t know’, Haruki thinks. “A while, I guess. We broke up a while ago but… well. As you can see, it’s—”

“—complicated,” Haruki fills in. “Does he hurt you often?”

Akihiko shakes his head. “It’s not like that. I usually start it but it’s…”

He trails off, and lets out a sigh. Akihiko still hasn’t looked up at Haruki even once, and Haruki’s heart aches at the sight of Akihiko looking so lost, down, and obviously hurt. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Whatever has happened up until now has affected Akihiko in many ways, that much is obvious despite the limited information Haruki currently has.

Being the outsider is a strange situation to be in, because Haruki almost instinctively takes Akihiko’s side though he obviously hasn’t heard both sides of the story. He doesn’t know enough to have an opinion, but something within him says it won’t stop him from having one. Maybe that’s just what happens when you’re good friends with one of the people involved in the conflict.

“We’d been dating since our first year in high school, and he offered to let me move in with him when my parents split up in our third year, and I was suddenly left without a home.” Akihiko lets out a bitter laugh, which startles Haruki with how unexpected it is. “I’ve just been relying on him that way, I guess. Even after we broke up, I stayed in that awful basement. When we fight, he kicks me out, and then I come back after a while… and things reset. Most of the time he tells me to get out and find a savepoint for the night when he’s got some other dude over. It… happens all the time. Nothing new.”

 _Savepoint?_ Haruki doesn’t like how lightly both Akihiko and his roommate seem to take the implication of that. To so very easily throw someone out on the street and expect them to find another place to stay the night just because you want to have sex at home… Haruki can’t even imagine it. What the hell kind of relationship have they had? It’s a question Haruki doesn’t have the right to ask, and therefore keeps to himself.

“Do you love him?”

The question is out of Haruki’s mouth before he can stop himself, and now that it _is_ out, he can’t take it back. And maybe he doesn’t want to take it back, either, because in the end, he wants to know, and also feels like it’s a question Akihiko might have to answer for himself, as well.

“No,” Akihiko replies, to Haruki’s surprise. “I did. But now… well, it just hurts.”

“So why… don’t you just move out?”

There’s that empty, humourless smile again that graces Akihiko’s lips—one that chills Haruki down to the bone. He feels powerless knowing there probably isn’t anything he can do to help Akihiko. This might just be something Akihiko has to get himself out of, somehow. Haruki fears that if he were to try and interfere, he might just make things worse between Akihiko and that ex-boyfriend slash roommate.

“I… don’t know how to. He’ll be completely helpless without me.”

Haruki’s eyes widen at Akihiko’s words. “What?”

“He can’t cook, can barely take care of himself. If I’m not there, his apartment will look like a _mess_ , it always does.”

“So what, you’re just there for him to use as a punching bag and a maid? Can’t you hear yourself? What about _you_ and _your_ needs?”

“It’s not that easy to just _leave_ ,” Akihiko bites back. “I’d feel guilty if—”

“You’re instead willing to let this keep going? You’re not _happy_ like this, I can see that much. You’re not being yourself. Is he keeping you from coming to the studio, is that why you’ve been absent?”

Haruki doesn’t know if it’s bravery or straight up idiocy that makes him argue with Akihiko like this. It hurts him to hear Akihiko’s view on this clearly very unhealthy relationship of his, and it isn’t even Haruki’s own desires that makes him want to steer Akihiko away from it. He wants Akihiko to be truly happy, free, and maybe one day be in a relationship where he isn’t scared to leave, where he won’t get into physical or verbal fights with his partner as often as he seems to do.

It won’t matter who he’s with as long as he’s happy. Even if it’ll hurt that Haruki can’t be that one, he’d rather just see Akihiko happy than stuck in his current situation.

“He doesn’t want me to abandon the violin.”

Haruki frowns, confused, but then he remembers that he’s indeed heard that Akihiko used to play the violin. He’d mostly given it up, though, and only plays it every once in a while now. He never knew what the reason was behind it, but he can very easily make a guess now that he has more information.

“What do _you_ want to do?”

Akihiko sighs. “I want to have fun with music. And… I _am_ having fun, when I’m with you, Ue, and Mafuyu.”

Haruki knows he and the others have to talk to Akihiko about the band sooner rather than later. Tonight is not the time, though. It would most likely be too much for Akihiko considering everything else going on in his life right now, and Haruki could never live with himself if he were to add onto that mental burden. Maybe he’s being naïve, but Haruki hopes that a potential break-up can free Akihiko and return him to how he was, thus restoring order in the band, too. Akihiko’s own mental health comes first, of course, and Haruki definitely doesn’t want to pressure Akihiko about the band when things are in disarray.

Haruki gets up off his chair, and he takes both of their mugs to put them into the sink. “It’s up to you, in the end,” he says. “As… as your friend and fellow band member, I’m just going to say that I want you to be happy, and put yourself first for once.”

“Yeah.” Akihiko pauses, and Haruki doesn’t dare turn around to look at him. “Thanks, Haruki.”

“Sure.”

Haruki lies in bed for a while after they’ve said goodnight, and he stares up at the ceiling. A lot of thoughts are storming through his mind all at once, and he doesn’t know what to do with them. He feels guilty for having been angry at Akihiko, now that Haruki knows _why_ he’s been absent from the studio, why he hasn’t been himself lately. It all makes so much sense now that it’s painful, and Haruki can’t even imagine what it must feel for Akihiko himself.

All he can do is hope that at least _something_ of what he said made it through to Akihiko, though from what he’s heard of that relationship, he knows not to hope for _too_ much.

The next morning, Haruki wakes up to the smell of coffee and faint shuffling noises. He gets out of bed and heads out his bedroom to see what the source of the noise is, and he sees Akihiko carrying the blanket and pillow he used last night into the bathroom, probably to get them washed. Haruki also notes that Akihiko’s duffel bag he had with him is packed and closed.

“Hey,” he says. “Are you… leaving?”

Akihiko turns his head, stopping at the sound of Haruki’s voice. “Oh. Uh, yeah. I was just staying the night.”

Haruki lowers his eyebrows, an uncomfortable feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. “Where are you going?”

“Back,” Akihiko replies simply. All of my stuff’s there.”

“But you were thrown out.”

Akihiko shrugs. “This happens every now and then, nothing new.”

Which means all of what’s been happening up until last night is just going to keep repeating. Haruki’s heart aches at the sound of resignation in Akihiko’s voice, as if he’s just accepted that this is how life is supposed to be now that he managed to make a wrong decision to move in with the wrong guy.

“Stay here, then,” Haruki says. Akihiko’s eyes go wide with surprise.

“What?”

“Better here than there, right? I’m not saying stay here _forever_ , because you still have to do something about that awful situation. But you can stay for a bit while you’re sorting things out.”

He knows this is a bad idea for himself, but it’s a good idea in Akihiko’s case. At the same time, Haruki knows that his romantic feelings, and the issue that would potentially arise if Akihiko kept living with him, are not as important as making sure Akihiko gets out of that vicious cycle and unhealthy relationship. Haruki will just have to learn to live with his feelings somehow, because he clearly won’t be able to get over them.

Akihiko opens his mouth to say something, but he seems to regret it. Instead, he properly faces Haruki, and bows his head.

“Thank you, and I’m sorry.”

“… Don’t worry about it.”

* * *

While Akihiko _does_ return back to the basement apartment, he only does so to get clothes and other necessities. Haruki worries the entire time he’s gone that Akihiko will come back with even more injuries than last night, but when Akihiko does return, he looks the same as he did when he left. Haruki can’t even call it a relief that Akihiko looks the way he does, even though he doesn’t have more injuries. He’s still bruised, and he still looks lost and dejected. Haruki feels sorry for Akihiko, because this was Akihiko’s first love, and this isn’t how Haruki wishes for _anyone’s_ first love to go.

A sick part of him still wishes he’d been that person instead of the person Akihiko met in high school and ended up living with.

It’s a little awkward at first, living with someone else. And maybe especially awkward considering Haruki lives with _Akihiko_ now, however, the circumstances make it hard for him to really appreciate the fact that he gets to see Akihiko every day. He would feel absolutely disgusting if he were to be _happy_ considering there’s a reason why Akihiko lives there in the first place. Had the situation never occurred, Akihiko would’ve probably still lived with his ex.

Haruki doesn’t have the heart to tell anyone about his and Akihiko’s strange living arrangements. He knows at least two people won’t take the news well, and that’s what he wants to avoid, because he doesn’t trust himself to be able to explain things properly. At the same time, no explanation would be able to placate neither Kouji or Uenoyama since they already have their views set on Akihiko in terms of romantic relationships. As much as Uenoyama respects Akihiko in almost every aspect, the fact that Akihiko sort of coldly dumped Uenoyama’s older sister is probably always going to make him firmly believe that Akihiko isn’t worth the effort.

Haruki notices within just the first week that Akihiko _really_ wants to do the chores. He vacuums, tidies up around the place, does the laundry, and he cooks as often as he can when work doesn’t get in the way. It’s pretty nice, but Haruki can’t help but be curious.

“Hey,” he says one evening when they’re having dinner together while half-watching TV. “You really don’t have to do everything around here. I can cook and do chores, too. I mean, I _should_.”

Akihiko shrugs. “I’m the freeloader, I should repay you in whatever way I can.”

Haruki fights back a grimace. He really doesn’t like the term ‘freeloader’. He has a sneaking suspicion Akihiko has been called this more than once if he uses it so casually. “You don’t owe me anything. I was the one who offered you to stay here. At least let me share some of the chores. And hey, we can cook together, too, you know.”

“… Fine. If you insist.”

Haruki laughs. “ _Oh_ yeah, I insist.”

Akihiko starts appearing at the studio a lot more after the roommate incident, and it doesn’t take a genius to know that it’s mostly because of his new living situation. Haruki hasn’t talked to Uenoyama and Mafuyu about the support drummer issue since the last update from both him and Uenoyama which consisted of… well, nothing. Haruki doesn’t want to get his hopes up, but it certainly feels like they’ll be okay now should a gig come up. It’s starting to feel like it used to be in the band, and it’s a nice, reassuring feeling that Haruki knows he shouldn’t lean on too much, but he can’t help it.

Mingled with jamming, the band discusses and composes a new song together while Mafuyu, as always and as Given’s vocalist, is responsible for the lyrics. To Haruki, the studio is like his comfortable little bubble where all he has to focus on is the music. Aside from minor tiffs having occurred within, it’s fun to be in the studio with Given and something Haruki always looks forward to. The desired future as a professional musician signed to a label often feels far away, but there are sometimes, when they’re performing and Haruki both sees and hears the crowd response, that he feels like maybe it isn’t impossible, after all.

Often on their way home from the studio, Haruki and Akihiko choose to walk instead of taking the train. It’s a fairly long walk, but Haruki doesn’t think about that since he and Akihiko are just having fun, talking, joking with each other, and experiencing the western outskirts of Tokyo in late summer. It’s also just a good way for him to get in some exercise since he doesn’t get much of it otherwise.

“I never questioned why the hell you and I were in the same lecture when you’re two entire years younger than myself. You’re too damn smart for your own good.”

Akihiko barks out a laugh. “Actually, I’m not. I just convinced them to let me go up a module because I’d already done it in high school.”

“Which you didn’t.”

“No.”

Haruki sighs and rolls his eyes. “Well, that still proves that you’re smart. I would’ve never thought of the idea. Could’ve saved me a bit of grief, too.”

“Well, that was then. We survived?”

“Yeah,” Haruki says with a smile. “I suppose.”

Despite Akihiko’s seemingly full-time return to Given, Uenoyama is still not entirely convinced that it’ll last. It’s understandable, even though Haruki sees more than both Mafuyu and Uenoyama do and knows more about Akihiko’s situation. They can’t afford to be too optimistic just in case something _does_ come up, and this is probably why none of the members have breathed a word yet about performing live again.

The focus has solely been on song production as of late, which has obviously been halted by Akihiko’s absence. There’s only so much Haruki, Mafuyu, and Uenoyama can do without Akihko, and when his parts are the only ones missing and he isn’t there to fill them in, progress is stalled and the so-called king Uenoyama’s patience shrinks significantly.

“We have enough songs by now to do another live,” Uenoyama says. “And I think we should get back into doing that soon.”

“Oh, I agree. We should, and we can.”

Uenoyama frowns. “You seem really sure of that. We’ve seen more than just a handful of times that we _can’t_ be sure.”

“Mmm, but I just feel that things are different now.”

“We should still try to find a support drummer before a gig, just in case.”

Haruki doesn’t argue further, and thankfully, neither does Uenoyama who briefly leaves the table to go get a refill of his soda. The only reason they’re able to meet like this without Akihiko on a weekend is because Akihiko is working. Haruki still doesn’t understand how Akihiko is able to keep up with all of his part-time jobs, or how he even has the _energy_ . There’s only a two year difference between them, but sometimes it feels like more, at least in situations like these. Haruki would _never_ be able to work as much as Akihiko does.

“Haruki, can I ask you something?”

Haruki tears his gaze from the window and looks at Mafuyu in front of him instead. “Of course. What’s up?”

“Does Akihiko live with you?”

Haruki sucks in a breath, and saliva ends up going down the wrong pipe which causes him to cough. He probably has the worst poker face ever known to man, and it’s especially bad around people like Mafuyu who apparently can just _figure things out_ like it’s the easiest thing. It’s a scary but useful skill Haruki really wishes he had. That, if anything, could’ve saved him a lot of grief, effort, and time.

“Uh… where’d you get that from?” he asks when the coughing fit subsides. They usually go home together since Haruki either gives Akihiko a ride or vice versa a lot of the time, so it can’t be that Mafuyu figured it out from that.

Mafuyu shrugs. “Putting two and two together, I guess. Often when you come to the studio, you smell like the same shampoo. Or conditioner. Sometimes also laundry det—”

“Okay,” Haruki interrupts, putting up a hand in front of him. “Yes. It’s a very long, complicated story. But… don’t worry. It’s nothing like that.”

“Doesn’t that just make it harder for you?”

Haruki smiles a little, and looks down at his hands on the table. He hopes that Uenoyama is stuck in a longer queue. “It’s fine. I’m learning to live with it. And besides, it’s only temporary.” He sighs. “Please don’t tell Uenoyama. I don’t want to cause any more trouble than this already might do on its own. I’m just… lending Akihiko a helping hand for a bit.”

Mafuyu shakes his head. “It’s none of my business, so I won’t tell Ritsuka either. I’m just worried about you.”

It warms Haruki’s heart to hear those words. He’s been very impressed with how much Mafuyu has changed and opened up since he experienced the catharsis of singing “ _A Winter Story_ ”, and though it was just a few months ago, Mafuyu has almost become a new person. He’s far more expressive both verbally and externally, and maybe Uenoyama has had a hand in that, too, more so than Mafuyu slowly moving on from his ex and the tragedy of his death.

Uenoyama returns thankfully when Mafuyu and Haruki have already moved past the sensitive topic on Akihiko. They agree on continuing their search for a support drummer, even though Haruki secretly puts those plans on ice for himself. He wants to trust Akihiko, and while he deep down knows he can’t be a hundred percent sure, the fact that things now look a lot better than they did says enough to him that they might make it.

* * *

A lot of the time when Akihiko cooks, it ends up being the same handful of dishes. Haruki really appreciates Akihiko cooking when he’s worked a later shift or if he just isn’t in the mood to cook, but Haruki is slowly getting tired of the food they’re eating. So to help combat that, he insists on Akihiko letting him help so that he can influence things and maybe teach Akihiko a new thing or two.

“Do you ever use recipes or just your instinct?”

Haruki shrugs as he puts the chopped carrots and mushrooms into the pot. As soon as he’s done, Akihiko takes the chopping board and knife away to wash them, which Haruki appreciates.

“I go by feeling, mostly. Improvising is fun, teaches you more than recipes do. But recipes are nice sometimes, too, and I do use those if there’s a specific dish I want to make but don’t know how to.”

“Hm.”

“… Who did the cooking where you lived before? Did you share?”

Akihiko huffs from somewhere behind Haruki. “No, it was all me. He doesn’t know how to cook.”

Haruki suddenly remembers that Akihiko has mentioned this before. That this is one of the reasons why Akihiko never left his ex, because this person can’t take care of himself. He can’t help but wonder, what kind of life does this man live where he can just freely rely on others, where someone like Akihiko never expected anything in return? It sounds lonely, if anything, and it’s a strange description of the situation, considering this man had Akihiko by his side all this time.

 _If only he knew what he had_ , Haruki thinks.

“Right, you did mention that,” Haruki replies, smiling a little to himself. His mind has wandered, and he tries to get back to the present. Whatever that is, the thing between Akihiko and his former roommate and boyfriend, it has nothing to do with Haruki, even though he’s now been halfway roped into this entire mess just by offering Akihiko a place to stay and listening to Akihiko’s story.

Cooking with someone else is fun, Haruki has come to discover when living with Akihiko. It’s also just a lot more enjoyable to eat with someone else across from him at the table, too. He hasn’t really minded living on his own that much since he most of the time is either at uni, working or at the studio, so the only things he does at home is to eat, shower, and sleep. But when there’s someone else there now, it feels more like he lives there rather than to just use his apartment as a… what was it, savepoint? The term Akihiko had used back then sort of makes sense to Haruki but probably not in the way Akihiko and his ex interpret it.

“Hey, Haruki.”

Haruki turns around, his hand on the door handle to his bedroom. “Yeah?”

“Do you want me to pick you up before we head to the studio tomorrow? I get off work around the same time you do.”

“Ah, that’d be great,” Haruki replies, smiling widely. “Thanks.”

“Sure. Night.”

“Good night.”

Haruki heads inside, sliding the door shut quietly behind him. Akihiko tends to sleep later than he does, often watching TV or lazily browsing the internet on his laptop that’s always propped up on his stomach as he half lies down, half sits up. Haruki may or may not have engraved that particular image into his mind for personal reasons.

His hair hasn’t completely dried yet as he lies down in bed. It takes a little while for his hair to be completely dry if he lets it dry on its own, but it’s fine. He remembers his mother warning his sister not to go to bed with moist hair since it could cause her to get a cold, and maybe it’s true—but so far, Haruki hasn’t experienced this. It might also be because his hair is a lot thinner than that of his sister’s, and thus, it dries quicker.

When he’s just about fallen asleep, Haruki is awoken by the sound of his door sliding open and then shut again, followed by footsteps. Then, his heart nearly breaks free from his ribcage and jumps out of his chest as he feels the bed dip with added weight. Haruki’s eyes snap open, and he pays attention to every detail of what’s happening all of a sudden with every sense he has besides sight, now that it’s pitch dark in his room. Is Akihiko _sleepwalking?_

Akihiko lies down, his chest pressed flush against Haruki’s back, and Haruki feels Akihiko embrace him with one arm across his middle. Haruki’s breath stutters, but he doesn’t dare move even a finger right now.

“Did I wake you?” Akihiko murmurs into Haruki’s ear.

“W-what… what are you doing here?”

Akihiko exhales slowly through his nose, and it tickles Haruki’s neck. “Needed this. S’that okay?”

 _Needed._ Haruki’s heart aches at the implications, added with the knowledge he has of Akihiko’s relationship with his ex. Haruki can’t wrap his mind around a relationship where it’s just sex and nothing else. No friendship, no intimacy, just sex. How does that work? Haruki might never know and he knows he should be thankful for that.

“I… uh…”

How the hell does Haruki even _begin_ to explain to Akihiko why this is a bad idea? Unlike last time, they aren’t drunk, and Haruki can’t be selfish now that he knows about Akihiko’s circumstances. Last time when they were in a situation like this, Haruki had absolutely no idea what he would find out months down the road, thus blissfully unaware of how certain pieces of knowledge will drastically change a situation like this.

“No good? We’ve done something similar to this before.”

Haruki lets out a noise of part frustration, part anxiousness. He doesn’t know if he thinks it’s a good or a bad thing that Akihiko remembers that night. “We were drunk.”

“So? Do we have to be drunk for this?”

“No. I mean… we shouldn’t. Do this, I mean.”

“Why not?”

A frustrated sigh escapes Haruki, and he grits his teeth. “Because I’m in love with you and this shit just makes it worse, okay?!”

Now that the words are out of his mouth, now that the cat’s out of the bag, Haruki wants nothing more than to die. He can’t move because of the shock that locks his body down, but he notices that Akihiko doesn’t move, either.

“I know. I just thought you wanted this, too.”

Haruki stares at the wall. “You already knew that?”

“I’ve known for a while… I think.”

Something in those words acts like a key, and it unlocks Haruki’s body. He pulls Akihiko’s arm off him, sitting up in bed. “You knew and yet you had _sex_ with me? You came in here wanting to fucking cuddle despite knowing my feelings for you?!”

“I’m sorry,” Akihiko says quickly. “I didn’t know how to deal with that, I just—”

“Get out,” Haruki says through his teeth. “Go back to the couch.”

“Haruki…”

“ _Get out_.”

Haruki curls up into a foetal position the second Akihiko gets out of the bed. He listens to the sound of the sliding door, and when it clicks shut, Haruki exhales a long sigh, clenching his fist around a part of his duvet.

The next morning when Haruki exits his bedroom, every trace of Akihiko in his apartment is gone, as if Akihiko never lived there in the first place. The plates that were left on the dish rack to dry last night are all put back, all of Akihiko’s clothes are gone, even his toothbrush in the bathroom. Haruki heads back into his bedroom to check his phone, and as he’d expected, he finds a text message from Akihiko.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I'm not naming the person Akihiko has dated and lived with, everyone who has read/watched Given knows who it is. And I want to take the opportunity to say that **I'm absolutely not attempting to put the blame solely on this person** , because as with canon, both people were at fault for what happened. The tricky things to keep in mind are:
> 
> 1) We only get to hear Akihiko's version here, as Haruki is only speaking to him about this. Akihiko's narrative _will_ obviously be subjective; he's telling his story, saying what he feels, what he interprets things as, how he thinks things happened, etc. That already sets this up for a tipped scale, as The Other Person doesn't get to tell his story to Haruki.  
> 2) As the one tag says, this is an outsider's perspective on the issue. I feel that it's realistic for person A (Haruki in this case) to take person B's (Akihiko's) side in a conflict like this if they've been friends for as long as Haruki and Akihiko have. No matter how impartial you may want to be, there's always going to be some part of you that will ultimately take the side of your friend.
> 
> So, it's obviously not an ideal perspective, but that's usually how life goes. You get to hear one side of the story, and depending on your own relationship to the person involved in a situation, your opinions will differ.


	5. night of emancipation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akihiko breaks away from old, bad habits in order to form new, good ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a song linked in this chapter; its lyrics fit really well to the situation described, so I very much recommend listening to it whilst reading. The lyrics are quite heavy at times, but again... it fits.
> 
> (Yes, the chapter title is a reference to Given manga's chapter 28.5, " _Eve of Emergence_ ".)

**Akihiko**.

When Akihiko leaves Haruki’s apartment, he does so not knowing if he’ll ever be welcome back there. He has to go, though, because he’s the one who screwed up. Again. He seems to have a penchant for doing that: screwing up not only for others, but himself, too. And Haruki was the last person Akihiko ever wanted to screw shit up with.

Akihiko doesn’t have a choice. He’s done this so many times before that it shouldn’t feel any different, but it does. It feels different returning to Ugetsu’s place, because he now knows that the grass _can_ be greener on the other side of the fence. For so long, Akihiko knew nothing of what else he could have other than the little isolated world he shared with Ugetsu in that godawful basement that didn’t let in much sunlight, didn’t let in much warmth. Haruki’s apartment is nice, bright, cosy; it feels personal. The short period of time that Akihiko lived under the same roof as Haruki might have been the best he’s experienced in a long time. He’s sure he hasn’t been as _happy_ as he was in a while, either.

But, of course, everything has an end. It’s a shame Akihiko had to end it on his own way sooner than it had any right to end.

Something (he definitely knows what it is) stops him from directly heading over to Ugetsu’s. There’s only so much dragging of one’s feet that Akihiko can do before he either destroys his shoes or attracts unnecessary attention. The hours pass by in a strange daze, most of the time spent on buses and trains, to slowly but surely make his way over to Shibuya where Ugetsu lives… and where Akihiko soon can only say he _used_ to live.

It’s gotten dark by the time Akihiko gets off the metro in Shibuya. He has so little recollection of what he’s done in the past few hours that he’s not even sure if he’s had anything to eat. At the same time, he’s now starting to feel so sick to his stomach that he knows he wouldn’t be able to keep anything down if he tried. Maybe it’ll get better once this is all over—Akihiko at least hopes that _most_ things will be, in time.

Whenever Ugetsu kicks him out, Akihiko is still always left with his keys, because they both know he’ll be back. So he freely unlocks the door and descends the stairs into the basement to the familiar sound of a violin; Akihiko recognises it as Tchaikovsky. It’s all Ugetsu ever does besides sleep and eat, and maybe that’s why he’s as talented as he is, because his life is literally just based around playing the violin. Akihiko aimed for that once, but all it took was for him to meet Ugetsu, and then realise that he’d never get close to achieving such a thing.

Ugetsu must’ve heard him come down, because the violin goes abruptly silent, and then, Ugetsu turns around to face Akihiko.

[“Akihiko,”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB_6OM8H6Ng) he says, and Akihiko hates, _hates_ the way that voice so easily ensnares him, pulls him in. “You came back.”

“Yeah, well.”

 _You knew I would_.

As always when Akihiko isn’t around, the basement is an absolute mess. There’s sheet music strewn about the floor, there’s a half empty mug on the coffee table, and there’s an empty pizza box on the kitchen counter. The sight makes Akihiko’s chest ache, and he turns his gaze towards Ugetsu instead. Ugetsu puts his violin down, and he’s in Akihiko’s arms within seconds.

“Missed you.”

This is why he has to get out, why he has to break this vicious cycle that he and Ugetsu have been trapped in for years now. It’s the best for both of them, and if Ugetsu won’t do it, Akihiko has to. So he peels Ugetsu’s arms off him, and takes a step to the side.

“I only came back to start packing my stuff.”

“What?”

“I want to leave this place. For… for good.”

“… Why? Why now?”

Akihiko thinks back to Haruki’s smile, Haruki’s laugh. He thinks of the times they cooked and ate together by the table, how the sun would shine in through the window by that table and illuminate their surroundings in natural light. He remembers how hard it hit him when Haruki told him that he didn’t expect anything in return, because Haruki may have very well been the first person to say that to Akihiko. Even though he insisted on doing all of the chores, Haruki wanted to share. Even though Akihiko was only supposed to stay just that one night, Haruki insisted he stay for longer, until he could sort things out.

And then Akihiko had to ruin all of that, because he wanted something he may have never truly gotten from anyone else. He got greedy, that’s all it comes down to. Greed is seldom a good thing to be overcome with, and in this situation, it meant Akihiko had to leave and give Haruki the space he deserves.

“I want to enjoy music,” he replies, smiling sombrely. “Recently, playing the drums has been a lot of fun. Different from the violin. I don’t… hate it. I want to continue doing that.”

“No.” Akihiko doesn’t have any time to react before Ugetsu grabs the front of his shirt. “ _No_.”

Akihiko blinks a few times, confused. His heart rate goes up steadily: he knows what’s coming. But maybe it’s a small price to pay. He’s responsible for this, too.

“It’s for the best. For you _and_ me. You should be free with your music, Ugetsu.”

Ugetsu huffs a sarcastic laugh. “Are you saying you’re not coming back? Ever? Because we’ve done this before, you know.”

“I know. I’m not coming back.”

The finality in his voice surprises him, and by the looks of it, Ugetsu, too. Indeed, they _have_ done this many times before, and that’s one of the reasons why Akihiko knows they have to get out of this strange thing they’ve got going on between them. They’ll never be free like this.

Akihiko’s life has existed for the most part within these walls, with Ugetsu who had all the right to throw him out whenever there was a new boyfriend coming over to stay the night. This place was never Akihiko’s to begin with, he was a freeloader who moved in with Ugetsu, and that was it. It’s about time he gets a life of his own, and learns how to be independent. Maybe Ugetsu needs to learn that, too.

Ugetsu loosens his grip slightly, and he lowers his gaze. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“I know. I’m sorry, too.”

“Don’t go. Stay here. Please, Aki.”

Akihiko swallows. “I can’t, you know that. We’ll just keep repeating this shit over and over and keep ruining each other like we always have.”

And then he gets what he probably deserves. After all this time, Akihiko has gotten used to the pain left behind by Ugetsu’s fist hitting him in the face, wherever it hits. Sometimes it’s just the one hit, sometimes there’s two. In some cases, Akihiko has retaliated, but this time, he doesn’t. Maybe he doesn’t because he knows it’s the last time he’s actually here. It’ll be a sick, twisted reminder for a little while longer of what he used to have with Ugetsu.

“Then get the fuck out!” Ugetsu yells. “Don’t ever come back here and pretend like we’re something we’re not. You’ve toyed with me for long enough.”

Akihiko glances at Ugetsu, his head turned to the side after Ugetsu’s hits have stopped. Something warm is dripping from his nose; he doesn’t have to reach his fingers up to touch it to know what it is.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’ll leave.”

Ugetsu lies down in bed with his back turned to Akihiko while Akihiko packs as much as he can into the bags he has. Whatever he can’t take with him now, he’ll have sent to wherever he ends up living. Which means he’ll have to find a place to live soon or Ugetsu might just have his shit thrown out on the street.

It feels strange. The basement apartment is deadly silent, and it doesn’t help that the walls are soundproof. Akihiko has more often than not just found it unnerving whenever he hasn’t been playing the violin or his drums, because it’s just too quiet for a place where people live. But that just goes to show what Ugetsu prioritises in his life, which isn’t really a life to begin with. His life is music and his violin, and it’s probably obvious to anyone who would enter this basement.

Akihiko stands up, hoisting the strap of his bag further up on his shoulder. He clears his throat. “Ugetsu, I’m—”

“I’ll get the rest of your stuff delivered to you. Send me an address.”

Akihiko’s breath hitches in his throat. He lowers his head, though Ugetsu can’t see him right now. He doesn’t want to look at Akihiko, and Akihiko understands that. Maybe it’s easier to say goodbye this way, anyway.

“Thank you,” he says. “And I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Mm.” Ugetsu pauses, and for a moment, Akihiko doesn’t think Ugetsu will continue, but then he does. “Thank you, Aki.”

Akihiko puts his keys to Ugetsu’s apartment down on the side table by the stairs, maybe with a little bit more force than he intends for. He turns on his heel and exits the apartment with long strides, half- jogging up the stairs. Tears prick at his eyes, and his heart aches like it never has before. When he’s finally out and the door has locked behind him, Akihiko has no way of returning.

He’s left Ugetsu’s place for the last time, and there’s a possibility they won’t see each other again. Akihiko knows they _shouldn’t_ see each other again, at least not for a long time. They’ve proven to each other that they’re very good at falling back into old habits that definitely aren’t healthy for them, so staying apart is the only option they have.

As the realisation hits, Akihiko backs up against the nearest wall, and he slides down until he sits on the ground, his bags on the ground next to him. He lowers his head and rests his forehead against his kneecaps, and then he finally lets his tears fall.

**Author's Note:**

> [ [tumblr](https://radiodread.tumblr.com) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/natastrophies) ]


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